Oppa, 나는 네가 너무 그리워.


It has been a month already and I’m still in shock. I have been unable to write anything and I kept crying for so many days. My depression kept on increasing and I somehow finally realized what my beloved Jonghyun oppa went through. Yet I still can’t fathom all the pain and confusion he went through. It hurts now and will forever, to know that he was hurting inside so badly and no one including me could find out about his agony sooner; If someone knew, our oppa could have been alive and well. I have deliberated over what could have been for so long that my head hurts when I try to think now. I watched his last “Live” on Instagram and cursed myself for missing it when he was actually live. I could have spammed hearts and love for him in the comments and maybe that could have had a positive effect on him. I could have done so many things, if only I knew or noticed he was suffering. I wasn’t able to and that’s what makes my heart hurt so much more. 

For me 18th December was a very normal day and as usual I was bored so I decided to scroll through Facebook for a little bit. I curse that moment I decided to, because that's how I came across the news of Jonghyun oppa's death; I was shocked, numb; I couldn't feel anything. Maybe it was a scam; some sleazy gossip site trying to get more visitors and clicks. Some despicably sick rumor. I simply couldn't believe the news. I couldn't because I thought I knew my Jonghyun oppa so well; I knew how he was doing. Didn’t I? He just had an awesome concert. He must have been happy. Then how come he’s not in this world anymore? Why did he leave? What am I supposed to do now? These questions hit me hard. For days I kept asking myself how this tragedy could happen. And even now I don’t have all the answers. I still have trouble getting myself out of my depression attacks, but now I have to live. I have to have a life. Jonghyun oppa didn’t go to the other world just so his diehard fan could waste her life. I have to learn from his life. I have to find inner peace and happiness which my oppa had so much trouble finding. I have to carry on his legacy of making others happy and caring for others. I have to be strong for him and make sure that I do something good for him in this world, so he can have a good time in the other world.  

For those who didn’t know my Jonghyun oppa well, I’ll tell you all about him. He was the lead vocalist of SHINee and his voice had so much emotion. Jjongie was super hard working, he wanted others to be happy, and he tried his best to do so; he had so many bright plans for his future. Bling Bling was one of the most beautiful five shining stars us Shawols look up to. Jonghyun was so much talented; He was the poet, singer, songwriter, dancer, radio DJ and best of all an artist. He was Jonghyun, who was loved and cherished by everyone he loved and cared for. He was such a gifted musician. Our Jjongie was an emotional person; he had so much empathy for others and he was never afraid to show his feelings. He did his share to make the world a better place for others. Every now and then we will see him using his SNS platforms to show support for the various causes people should support but were wary of doing so. He was brave and kind. He spoke about mental health issues and was very perceptive about depression and discussed about how one should behave with people having mental issues on his radio show “Blue Night”. Jonghyun was involved in helping many deserving people and he never ever made his giving away to the needy a big thing. He was a humble person who cared a lot about other people. Bling Bling was very sensitive and he often showed concern as to how people will behave when they get to know him better and how they will judge him. His concerns weren’t wrong because anti fans tried so hard to make his life hell; they always had problems with him. However, Jonghyun was always pleasant with everyone. 

Kim Jonghyun was a very cool sunbae to his junior colleagues and a very loving dongsaeng to a sister he adored. He was a musician who loved and lived for music; He was an artist whose likes will never be born again. He was special; one of a kind. He was the best. 

I wrote some lines for Jonghyun oppa, in hopes of easing the seemingly never-ending grief: